Cause Of The Day: Asian Sauce

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Maybe this is bothering me too much. After all, if you refer to “Eurpoean food” people are most likely going to ask you what kind of European food you’re talking about: Italian? German? French? Greek? However, if you refer to “Asian food” people automatically think, “Sesame seeds! Mandarin oranges!” Similarly if you refer to “African food” people think, “they have food in Africa?”

Asian food is often featured at Asian parties.

I’m not going to go into African food right now, because I know very little about it. I love Ethiopian, and people who think of themselves as hilarious often turn up their noses and say things like, “So what are you going to eat? Air?” That’s a rant for another time. Being Asian, the Asian food conundrum hits me closer to home, especially since I’m Filipino and most people don’t know what Filipino food is. They see my slanty eyes and automatically think “chop suey”, which itself is debatable as to it’s Chinese authenticity. So if chop suey, and for that matter most American Chinese food, isn’t really authentic, why do we think it’s real, and why do we associate the generic Asian style to stir fry and noodles?

This observation reared itself of all places at a gas station while I was fueling up my [American] car. Next to the gas station was a Wendy’s, who, at the time, was offering up an “Asian Chicken” salad. As a bonus, it was slathered in “Asian dressing”. The picture showed the usual delicious chicken chunks, breaded and covered in sesame seeds on a bed of lettuce and mandarin oranges. I wondered if mandarin oranges were actually Chinese, or if they were just a result of ignorant ad men in the 60s wanting to give an exotic identity to smaller-than-normal oranges. For that matter, were sesame seeds Asian? If a Big Mac from McDonalds came on a sesame seed bun, does that denote Asian influence? My train of thought eventually led to my own identity as an Asian and how nobody thinks of a whole roast pig when Asian cuisine comes up. In fact, Filipinos don’t even use chopsticks, something that always accompanies stereotypical Asian food. I thought about South Asia, Indians and Pakistanis, who are also considered part of Asia. Why don’t we picture then running around in rice hats and pulling rickshaws?

The problem is nobody really cares. Food enthusiasts will be agitated if you mention European style food. If you say Asian style, their faces light up and they run to Whole Foods to grab some fresh water chestnuts. Only the really snobby gourmands will take offense at the generalizations. The average American doesn’t think twice about it. They’ll ask me for the #24 AND throw a bag of dry cleaning at me.

I’m not calling it racist. In fact, I’m not even that angry about it. It’s more annoying, like that itch that you scratch but it’s somewhere beneath your skin, and it’s mostly because most people don’t even seem to notice it. If marketers and copywriters were quick to point out the inconsistency, but it was ignored, then yes I might be angry, but it’s just the fact that it just passes under the radar that irks me.

So this is my new cause. People need to stop labeling everything as Asian just because of the sesame seeds, the ginger, the ying yang, the martial arts move, the bowl haircuts. It isn’t that difficult to allocate various traits to their corresponding cultures. We do it easily with Europeans. We don’t look at a pizza and say, “That’s some delicious-looking European food!” We don’t look at a guy in a beret and tight leather pants and say, “wow, that guy is definitely European!”… Okay, maybe in that case we do…

What Makes Job Searches Annoying?

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Being unemployed in the US is probably better than being employed in China or a third world country, and that’s why I try not to complain too much. I don’t remember the last time I felt the urge to jump out a window due to the stress of job searching. Not once have I been chained to a table and deprived of food or rest or bathroom breaks until I reached my quota of contacts. It’s not really a bad life. It certainly couldn’t be the worst situation a human can find himself in.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to complain.

May is my one year anniversary of the current unemployment stint. I say “current” because I’m not a stranger to being between jobs. Before a job I held between November and last May, I was unemployed for a year after getting laid off of my previous job. I’m no stranger to rejection and feelings of self doubt that come with being told by HR representatives that they are sorry that you still can’t grab that job. Who are they to sympathize with me? They’re working. They don’t know how I feel right now. I don’t blame them for that because it’s their job. There are a few things potential employers and hiring managers do out there that make my head explode. Here are a few.

1. Those form letters from HR departments that usually go something like this:

“After reviewing your credentials/experience/qualifications we have decided to pursue other candidates. Thank you for your interest in [job title]. We will keep your resume in our files in case we find a position more suited to your qualifications.”

I don’t know what would have been worse, this cold and condescending form letter or just being ignored. My example is a pretty accurate representation of what rejection letters say, and although apologetic and sympathetic, I can’t help but notice an air of condescension. For example, the first line makes it sound like you’re the main reason they decided to pursue others, not that they found someone perfect for the job, but because of you and the six years you spent in prison. It almost feels like your girlfriend dumping you so she could pursue a lesbian relationship.

I’m not even going to go into detail as to why retaining my resume isn’t going to help me. Last time an employer called me back after retaining my resume, it was a year later and I was already working at a job I would be laid off from again after six months anyway.

2. When I submit my resume and it says something like this:

“We received your resume. Please fill out our employment application.”

I’ve worked corporate jobs enough to know that people hate redundant information, documents that are spread around so much and updated individually so that there are one hundred different versions of the same information. So why do they ask me to submit my resume and then fill out the exact same information on an application. I’m pretty sure the resume and application go on different piles. One goes on someone’s desk, and one goes into a database. I understand that. But why put us through that hassle when we spent an hour writing and revising the perfect cover letter only to add 30 minutes onto the process?

3. When the title of the job listing has nothing to do with the job description.

I see it all the time. The title of job is “Customer Service Rep” and the job description says “Responsibilities include faxing documents, making coffee for executives and shining their shoes, cleaning toilets, data entry.”

Or how about when the title of the job is ” Tech Support” and the job description says, “Take the lead in designing nuclear reactors for interdimensional space fortress”.

I exaggerated a bit, but you get the picture.

4. Which leads to the next one: when the person who wrote the job description decides to drop a bomb on you on the last line of the qualifications.

You’ve had five years experience as a documentation specialist for a pharmaceutical company. The job listing looks perfect. In fact it’s almost exactly what you did at your last job. You’re going down the list, checking each item, feeling good, and then you see this:

“Must have 25 years experience in the food industry and a certificate from clown school or equivalent work experience.”

This is probably the most important part of the qualifications list, because it’s the rarest, and it should probably go at the top to save you the trouble of reading through the list thinking this job could be your ticket outta here. It’s almost like telling someone:

“I’m taking you on a cruise to the Bahamas, all expenses paid. I’m just going to need you to pay for it.”

5. Fake Job listings.

I once thought that fake job ads were from scams or pyramid schemes, but that’s not entirely true.  Did you know that some recruiters and companies post fake job ads in order to comply with regulations determining the amount of job listings they’re required to post in a certain period of time? It’s like giving out taffy apples on Halloween that are actually onions covered in caramel because you really don’t have apples but you want to look good in front of your girlfriend so you fake it. The problem is, what happens when your girlfriend discovers you used onions instead of apples. Nothing, because she’s totally in on it and thinks it’s hilarious. That’s how it works out in the job search world. Everyone knows this is going on, but nobody does anything about it. It makes the world look clean and smelling like strawberries when in actuality our families are starving because the job ads we replied to are actually brick walls we crashed into.

6. When hiring managers stalk you on facebook.

I didn’t think this was true when I first heard about it. It sounds unprofessional and downright creepy, and I can’t tell how this is any different from an ex boyfriend facebook stalking you.

I have to say, though, that if your information is public it’s your own fault that a hiring manager decided not to hire you because of that picture of you drinking milk directly from the cow while putting the death grip on a half empty bottle of vodka.

Some hiring managers have taken this a step further by asking for facebook passwords during an interview.

In conclusion, although these pet peeves are practiced on a daily basis, I’m resigned to the fact that I can’t do anything about it, so I might as well work with the system as I have been for the last two years. Also, if a potential employer of mine happens to be reading this, please see this as satire and not a complete opinion… at least until you decide to hire me.

I Should Be Considered For My Honesty Alone

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What’s an unemployed guy have to do? I see a lot of the douche bags out there who are working steady jobs and I wonder why that guy deserves to be working and I don’t. I could easily lie and cheat my way into a full time job, but I don’t, because some idiotic feeling down in my gut tells me that honesty is more important than selling out my morals. Also being dishonest in a job search leads to looking like a moron after you’re hired because you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

I had the chance to really douche it up in a recent phone interview. First of all, I thought I was at least 75% qualified for this job. Bloggers out there usually say not to even apply for a job unless you know that you’re 90% qualified. It turned out I overestimated my chances. I was barraged with questions I couldn’t answer. It turned out I was only 50% qualified or less. But this was a phone interview, it’s not like I’m face to face with these guys. Instead I was in front of a computer and the miracle that is Google. I could have easily looked up half of their technical questions and blurted out cookie cutter answers. I didn’t. Why? Freaking honesty.

Honesty is killing my job prospects. I could easily just fudge my resume, tell the world that I was VP of Operations at some paperclip company, that I’m a Photoshop expert, that I’ve written articles that showed up in obscure journals that the hiring manager will never see in his lifetime. I don’t because for some stupid reason I believe honesty is valuable.

Well if it’s so valuable, why can’t I get hired for it? I guess it’s kind of the difference between a Jedi and a Sith. Jedi are warriors of virtue and justice. They don’t take cheap shots like the Sith. The Sith are physically stronger because they don’t hold back. If they have the chance to kick you in the balls they’ll do it. The Sith are also arrogant, and their arrogance and overconfidence is what leads to their downfall. Emperor Palpatine assumed that Darth Vader no longer had feelings for Luke, therefore trusted him to turn him to the Dark Side. Darth Maul believed he had defeated Obi Wan, even though Obi Wan wasn’t dead yet, instead taunted him, buying him time to chop the motherfucker in half.

I guess I could be a Jedi. I mean it took like 20 years for the Jedi to make a comeback and defeat the Sith, but it was a happy ending. I could wait 20 years for a job, but that would mean 20 years of pain and suffering under a tyrannical dictatorship spanning the known universe.

Having morals is hard. It requires infinite amounts of patience. I hope the reward is proportionally sweet.

Truth and Pain

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The title of this first post is stolen… er… borrowed from the book The Comic Toolbox by John Vorhaus. It’s his notion that comedy is made of truth and pain. Every comic situation or joke has those to aspects to it. To use a simple and well known example:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

The truth is the road has two sides. The pain is that the chicken must cross it.

Ok, that doesn’t seem right. Let me try this again.

The truth is our ignorance of the chicken’s motives. The pain is the obviousness of the answer.

That doesn’t seem right, either. Three times a charm?

The truth is the road. The pain is that we’re trapped with only one means of getting to the other side, and that is to cross the road.

I guess there really is no correct answer, but I can see where Vorhaus gets it. It’s true, even if you have to look past the obvious to see it. Comedy is truth and pain. It seems so simple. If only it was that easy to be funny. That’s why I started reading the book, to decode my own brain and figure out why I am sometimes funny and why sometimes I fall flat on my ass.  I’ve written comic sketches and episodes for a comic web series. The sketches got a decent response from audiences andI have yet to find out what the web series response is because it hasn’t been published yet. I’ve tried improv. I’ve dabbled in stand-up. The consensus is I’m sometimes funny, but only when I’m not really trying to be.

That’s another truth in pain. I get up in front of an audience and tell a joke and it bombs. I step off the stage and trip over the stairs and fall on my face. The audience thinks it’s hilarious. That’s more like accidentally funny, though.

One of the lessons I was taught in improv was not to try to be funny. This works for most people. Improv is mostly a team sport. Some people have the gift of being able to be funny right off the bat, but for the rest of us, just creating believable characters and putting them in unlikely situations is enough. The audience calls out doctors at a comic book convention. It’s already funny when you think about it. Now all I have to do is commit and make my character believable. I don’t have to spit out one-liners. All I have to do is act like a neurosurgeon at a star trek display at a comic book convention and the possibilities are endless.

It’s more than being accidentally funny, but it works. There really isn’t anything accidental about it. It seems accidental on my end because I wasn’t trying to be funny, just believable. I don’t really completely get it. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. How do you end up being funny by not being funny?

That’s partly what this blog is about. I want to unlock the secrets of comedy. We all know what we laugh at, but how do we come up with these things? I have a taste of that dilemma and I don’t understand my own thought process when I come up with funny lines. It’s just instinct and luck. Maybe my mind has been twisted by years of living in the harsh wilderness of Chicago that I developed a ridiculous way of thinking.

That’s my journey from now on. And that’s about the best intro for my blog as I can come up with.